Hey, I know you.
Once again it’s been a far too long time since I wrote anything baseball-related. Luckily, hopefully, the past six months of…let’s go with weirdness or perhaps anti-scrumtrelessence…at my day job should be coming to an end. And that should mean I can get back to writing about baseball on a regular basis.
And what a perfect day to do so. It’s opening day, sort of. True, there’s only one game on this Easter Sunday, and the Jays don’t start until tomorrow. But who cares? It’s baseball season and for the next six months there’ll always be something to watch on TV!
As Annie Savoy said in the awesome Bull Durham:
“I believe in the Church of Baseball. I’ve tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn’t work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there’s no guilt in baseball, and it’s never boring… which makes it like sex.
Like the Susan Sarandon the only church I believe in is the Church of Baseball. Well, that, and Eric Church. He’s got some pretty good music.
Anyway, despite all that, here’s some scripture from the Church of Baseball that I dug up. Enjoy, and happy baseballing!
Baseball has Risen (except fastballs, which don’t rise. I mean, it’s impossible. There’s no such thing as a rising fastball)
After Spring Training, at dawn on the first day of the season, all the fans went to look at the stadium.
2 There was a violent earthquake, for Los Angeles Angel Mike Trout came down from the clubhouse and, going to batting practice, reared back his bat and socked a dinger into the centre field seats. 3 His bat was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow before he dove for a sinking liner. 4 The Mariners were so afraid of him that they shook off the fastball and threw curves in the dirt.
5 The Angel said to the fans, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus Montero, who was crucified for being far too overweight. 6 He is not here; he has risen, just as Zduriencik said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7 Then go quickly and tell the advance scouts: ‘He has risen from the roster and is going ahead of you into Tacoma.There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”
8 So the fans hurried away from the stadium, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell the bloggers. 9 Suddenly Jesus Montero met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. 10 Then Jesus said to them,“Do not be afraid. Go and tell my teammates to go to Tacoma; there they will see me.”
11 While the fans were on their way to the games, some of the reporters went onto the Internet and reported to Twitter everything that had happened. 12 When the manager had met with the front office and devised a plan, they gave Kluber and Ventura a large sum of money, 13 telling them, “You are to say, ‘we’ve still got work to do every night, cutting down on stolen bases while we’re asleep on the mound.’ 14 If this report gets to the ownership, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble.” 15 So the pitchers took the money and did as they were instructed. And this story has been widely circulated among the minor leaguers to this very day.
16 Then the eleven prospects went to Tacoma, to the ballpark where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted he would ever fulfill that potential as a middle of the order bat. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All the ice cream in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and find the stats of all the starters who will actually contribute this year, Baseball Referencing them in the name of the Felix and of the Seager and of the Holy Taijuan,20 and teaching them to obey great command over their fastballs and discipline at the plate. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the buffet line.”